It's really normal for people especially at my age to be undergoing lots of changes in the way we view and act upon things. For dylan v1.0 it is extremely radical, stemming from the resistance I've been putting up against change all my life (until recently). As a shy child I've enjoyed cosying in the couch of my comfort zone, hiding from "bad gangsters" and never partaking in "bad habits". There was quite an extensive world that I hadn't touched with my pristine fingers, but I've soon realized how big the world is around me. I've of course had help from friends (two once very good friends, in particular) that due to love, forced me to change the way I saw the world. Questions started arising about my ways and my schools of thoughts, my beliefs and my actions. Alternative voices rang. I was hearing myself argue with an unknown doppelgänger in my head half the time, watching a live telecast of how dylan v1.0 was to become v2.0 and so on. I would say it's been intriguing and frustrating watching the battle in my head, but ultimately I know more and I can now better decide who I want to be after seeing who I can be.
I wouldn't say I'm a better version right now- morally & spiritually I've probably decomposed, pretty much- but in the area of searching for my personal identity, goals and imbuing practicality- I dare say I've grown quite a bit. It's sad to say VS didn't play a big part in my growing up (I did really love VS) and transformation really only began in VJ where some insane courage brought me into a seat before my future senior CT council president & teachers. I've thoroughly enjoyed that 2 year lesson on servant leadership- it's humbled me yet taught me how to value and fight for what I love, as well as fight to protect my counterparts who we're being taken advantage of. Finally, a sense of ownership and pride in an organization that we could truly call our own, thanks to amazing teachers who acted as guides and gave us pretty much free reign over our work.
And then suddenly I find myself thrown into the fray, questioning life and its meaning, questioning my parents, questioning my future and my feelings. I would say it was one of the toughest times struggling between the old (parents' teachings) and the new (contemporary views of freedom and a fight for love) that really stirred plenty of turmoil and was that catalyst for change. In hindsight it kept me in balance, because now I realize things can be extremely grey, but right choices can still be made if you listen carefully to the right people. As a teenager, it was natural to be a rebel- but I've realized I've always had that naggy feeling going against my parents or lying to them. They've always had my back and they have an impressive record of proving me wrong when it comes to advice, too. I can't say I regret going they way I did, either- I fought for something I really really treasured and loved and it paid dividends in ways I cannot imagine. I was really really happy, yet really really sad and torn in a valley between two mountains of my life. The drama has ended, yes, but I've yet to reevaluate life and what I want in this department (to be added to a future post list, I hope).
And right now it's a brand new challenge for me being in charge of my entire company, a story that's yet to have a good ending. I'll admit, I felt undeserving of the appointment and I still do, but it feels good to excel in what you do and I realize it's a good chance to hone some leadership skills, too. Being a leader here definitely brings peer pressure up a certain extent and I've felt it- and succumbed to certain lame temptations of checking out a certain pretty girl's Instagram, or gossiping about the hottest girls of JC. Morally yes, it's wrong, but occasionally it brings out certain good natured banter about touchy issues like sexism and feminism, or what we really want to see in the future partners that we choose. I'm glad for some friends here (namely Darren, Bing Shen, Shawn Sim) that I can really have conversations on a deeper level with and hence learn a lot more by simply chatting. Moreover this really frees me- and freedom is a concept I'm only beginning to grasp quite late in my life. I'm no longer hiding much of my feelings, so anger and love and admiration flows freely from my face and my words. It's extremely liberating and rewarding for myself, and I'm only starting to understand how being true to yourself really works. Don't get me wrong, I still retain much of my practicality, but talking about dreams openly helps to connect my dreams and my pragmatism, and explores the possibility of an intersection between the two. Perhaps such conversations in future will put me in a path I'd follow for life.
Finally, I'm feeling less and less weighed down by my feelings for Shiyin with each passing day, and hate is beginning to ebb away (yes, even though she tried to spite me. Twice.) and in all honesty she's such a character that I miss being with her bubbliness and mysteriousness. He'd be lucky to have her, in the future, because she's really a great big packet of instant fun and laughter and love. And yes, she showed me that I am deserving of love, even from dream girls like her. It's obvious now that we aren't each other's match, but I'm glad we collided anyway. We made a really good story together.
My own life story (far from over unless I meet with an accident) will continue to unfold, and the third version of me is unlikely going to be the last. I do hope I'll keep talking to myself and seeing words like this spill out because it's really good to see my thoughts organized (in my own messy way) and yeah. Let's hope this keeps making me a better person.
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