Capturing the world in a frame

Weirdly enough, I've taken to writing when I'm bored- and I love that, because thinking of what to write about reminds me about the topics I really want to talk about but have always forgotten to pen down. I'm also excited about keeping this blog as a time capsule of sorts; perhaps someday I'll look back and discover what nineteen year old me thought about all the time. Well I'm at guard duty rotting on a Sunday listening to some unknown Lorde, so everything's set for putting pen to paper (or fingers to keypad, if you'd like). I'll write about something that's been of vague interest most of my life: PHOTOGRAPHY. 

My first exposure to photography as an art form and a means to express a message came from my time in the Art Elective Programme in VS, where we had free DSLRs and a whole range of lenses to borrow and play with- ALL FOR FREEEEE (God bless the AEP, I loved it there despite the stress). I didn't really play a lot with the cameras because I was a noob, but it did it's magic piquing my interest. I began utilizing my phone camera a lot more, enjoying beautiful photography online and trying to copy some artists' styles. Everything started bursting when I discovered Instagram (before it got contaminated with ootds) with its wealth of amateur and professional photographers capturing surreal scenes from their hometowns with their phones and sharing them, real-time, with me. In one day I found myself visiting Paris and Bern and Delhi, the next I find myself in the Sahara and Dubai and New York. I loved drinking in all these beautiful scenes, and started aspiring to be one of these amazing people that captured scenes with such precise and subtle skill. I wanted to show my country to the world, too, and it actually did start for awhile (quite amazingly). Because my photos were spammed with hashtags and heavily filtered (lousy skills, what to do) people abroad started following me, and eventually I even talked to some amateur photographers (one from Poland? I forgot) and the experience was great. I liked how people liked my photos and that made me want to take more photos, wherever I go. 

Those were some photos I took during my trip to Taiwan with my brand new Nikon DSLR- yes, I finally convinced my parents to get me my first "professional" camera, and that's a big step towards anyone of my hobbies (except soccer, I've never really pursued any hobby) although using a DSLR was a rude surprise, because of the difficulty in using it- it captured everything just as you set it to capture, so you've gotta get extremely technical and nitty gritty and garner bucketloads of experience before you can capture a setting sun, perhaps, before it vanishes. I hear you say "use Auto mode, then!" But auto mode never suffices- firstly the effect isn't as good (although artificially good) as an iPhone's auto camera) and there is simply no satisfaction or skill involved in snapping anything with a DSLR's auto mode. I'm working on it, though, with Darren holding onto the exact same model as the one I own we can perhaps research it together, so exciting prospects are still ahead! 

Most of my favorite photos aren't on my new iPhone so I'll have to rely on Instagram (God please don't let Instagram crash and burn) but I just want to capture the happiness I have right now in gently pursuing something I really happen to like, and I'll continue capturing and learning to edit beauty that I can share with the world. Maybe someday I can do this freelance and earn some pocket money doing something really fun for a friend, like a funky wedding shoot! 

That one above of Clarke Quay waters on a sushi dinner/museum hopping date with Shanping is one of the first few I ever took with my DSLR, and I love the effect of reflection and ripples and color splaying out like brushstrokes across a canvas. Good shots are also jabs of happy drugs to me, so I hope I'll keep this hobby up and not waste the expensive DSLR my parents painfully bought for me. 

 

I also want photography to take me to places I've only seen in photos, and capture that breathtaking beauty with so much skill that it's almost exactly like what I saw personally with my eyes. A camera serves a purpose to capture a moment, but I can say a camera will never match up to a pair of these wicked awesome eyes God has provided. Maybe someday I'll get to see and take a picture something like this: 

I love reflection. 

Public figures should, well, figure themselves out.

I've had a great family engagement day today no thanks to brilliant seniors and commanders and I'm seriously tired, but I want to release something in my heart of a more public nature. 

Steph Micayle (YouTube singer) has just came up with a 13:05m video on how she is not proud to be a Singaporean and proceeds to list down what she thinks is wrong with the country and its people. first things first- I always believe, as in Spider-Man, with great power comes great responsibility, and figures who have gained fame and following through whatever media they specialize in do have a responsibility in carrying themselves well so as not to lead younger fans astray. in the very first place you DO NOT name a video "why I am not proud to be a Singaporean"  especially when you have thousands of followers. You're reflecting badly on the nation you actually represented at a competition yes, and you're showing everyone how petty you are with the little things you're unhappy with in your life- and pinning the blame on the government. 

Now, like Casper and I agreed, some of her points actually make sense. Yes, artists here do not enjoy that same steep ladder of success that the traditional lawyers and doctors possess, and yes we are a tad too traditional and results focused making our kids aim for only the occupations that make money without really satisfying their own passion (I am one such product). Or maybe yes Singaporeans are too system orientated and not being paid enough (that is still questionable) but such views are narrow minded, to say the least. I feel a lot of us complain about how our lives are inadequately satisfactory, and we blame that on the government. While there's nothing wrong with wanting a satisfactory life, sometimes we fail to reason with ourselves and blindly look for a scapegoat to blame, creating ridiculously groundless arguments like the one Steph has provided. Questions we should ponder about at this time should go along the lines of: "what else can the government do? Why are they not doing it?" And most importantly: "are there any adverse effects of the govt listening to my suggestions?" Because a government being a government has to look at the bigger picture and work for the majority. We can't possibly impose a minimum wage on everyone so everyone will be happier with more pay- the repercussions are simple enough: how much is enough to set for a minimum wage? what if the companies cannot sustain the added burden of increased salaries? Bankruptcy suits will be filed, thousands of workers will be grossly unemployed and now people have a new thing to blame the government for. The issue here is that Steph does not attempt to understand the delicate balance of governing an economy before she makes sweeping statements as such just to milk the rebel spirit in almost every netizen out there today. Australia has much higher taxes, by the way. 

I don't feel our government is perfect, there is in fact plenty of wrong with them still. But we as citizens need to start thinking before blindly arguing against authority because in the end in only reflects badly on ourselves as people. The very worst part of this whole fiasco is that I know for sure that plenty of teenage kids these days (my sister included) would happily agree and now chant her name as a hero who dared to speak up against the government. It's not healthy to breed such sentiments in the young people of tomorrow- especially when they are based on arguments as blind and as shallow as these ones. 

I honestly love hearing opposition voice in our government- and there should be more, but as of now no opposition can safely take over the country without crashing and burning what we've built up quite painfully over the years. I hope the young ones begin to mature and see the bigger picture someday, or meet someone clearer that is able to change their mindset, or the real trouble lies ahead. 

And her fake accents do not help her case one bit. 

I am extremely tired.

Wow. 

I'm extremely brain tired lying in bed after what's probably the most hectic and challenging week of my life planning for family engagement- and it's finally happening tomorrow. Crash and burn or rise from the ashes- it's going to end, and I will probably sleep my weekend away. 

Despite everything I'm happy about, in this environment and all, I still feel troubled. Troubled with the smaller things like the little cuts that you tend to feel the most. Having this OIC role for about a week in real working days has already been a huge huge challenge- especially for me to have to break out of my comfort zone and reach out to touch and convince people to love me and love my ideas. I'm never one for that kind of active quest but it seems to be a must right now, having the pressure of gelling the group together and all. I have the PTICs problems to worry about as well as the bonding of the group, and I can quite assuredly say these 1.5 years in STC will be very very demanding but also quite satisfying and useful for me in my life, if I put the right effort I to it. I'll worry about everything next week because right now I just want to focus on my family event tomorrow, and make sure it ticks. 

I have an urge to find a buddy close enough to share everyday petty troubling thoughts with, but I just haven't come across one. It's also the reason why I really loved and was afraid of losing my girlfriend, because she was that one special companion I could tell anything to, and lean on her strength at times for support. The real seller for me is how she belongs exclusively to me, and that I can call on her and she on me at any time at any place. That's why I'm always that possessive and I show so much love, because I know I don't want to let someone like that go. 

But right now I'm doing quite fine, I do want someone to talk to but yet I don't feel the need quite so pressing. Maybe in really getting stronger and depending on myself a lot more as I spend my time more or less alone these days. I also am glad to notice some sense of discernment and logic in the way I think before I blindly pursue what I think I need- and this time I depend on myself. It's good, but still not good enough, and I've gotta do something about my people problem. 

The friends here are great, there is a new brand of humor, but not quite yet that self sacrificial help-each-other cohesive bond quite yet. The reason for the pressure to hit that level of bonding is due to our ever overachieving seniors- who've really set the bar going beyond what normal people do, smashing boundaries on a daily level. They're really there to take over another's duty at a moment's notice with the common understanding that they're all working for a common goal and purpose, and that in itself is the most admirable and hardest thing to achieve in group dynamics. I really envy, but yet I am glad I have in Joel a senior who's willing to impart- and shows great concern in how we grow as well. 

I'm rambling on and on unorganized because -apologies- of my extremely cluttered brain so maybe again, this weekend when I find the time to rest (and train for IPPT) 

And yeah, I'd like to go somewhere this weekend again but GUARD DUTY :/ 

I still want my shell.

I want to go in to hiding again. 

I started out hiding, which is probably why I should never never be allowed to go back there now that I've stuck a bit of my head into the open sun. Due to my valiant efforts- it really hasn't been easy- I've had the chance to force myself into stepping into focus and limelight, and seize some responsibilities rather recklessly. I realize, like I have always known, that I'm not ready. I set out with a rough goal in mind: I want to be the kind of guy that's unwavering in spirit and steadfast in character, nothing fazes him and even when he does wrong he has the knack to brush it away simply with brazen confidence and coolness. I want to be that kind of guy but I'm starting to either doubt in the existence of such guys (said guys actually are weak when exposed in front of closed ones) or they're just born leaders in every right (sort of an inbuilt character). And either way it means I'm nowhere near my goal, even though by introverts' standards I dare presume I've forced myself a long way and come pretty damn far. Still not sure if it's something to be proud of but I need to improve so that I can protect the ones I love/will come to love. 

Perhaps a bit of confidence can be found in looks, and I'm really willing to pay money to someone who can extract out that irritating lazy bug in me. (ideally) I want an attitude to keep working out and build a proper body just to look AVERAGELY FIT- not too scrawny nor too plump, so as to allow myself to finally kickstart my image overhaul project and dare to buy smaller, tighter fitting tops and bottoms. Perhaps I need to dress cool to feel cool hahaha. And I'm still hoping army will push me, even though i know if I don't push myself I'm going nowhere. 

So take me somewhere I want to be please, and eventually I want to be somewhere I am appreciated and loved in the capacity I was born with. And thank you, in advance. 

Divided focus (and worries aplenty)

There's a lot on my mind but I haven't taken to releasing them out here because I'm always either lazy, or the worries are always naggy yet small in relativity (it's the little cuts that you feel the most) so I never got around to really letting it go up till now. And now isn't a good time either, considering it's the first book in since last year (this feeling sucks) and so I have best STO speech to complete and quite possibly the last window of time for me to complete my brightsparks portal and scholarships before shit hits the fence- and that is, multiple commitments are coming up: family engagement day will take up my whole week till Friday, Charisse's birthday that weekend and prep for exercise sea thunder immediately after. I'm gonna try to breeze through everything yet offload all my worries as concisely as possible, because I feel the urgency of time pressing in as book in time draws nearer. Oh God anyway booking in on a Sunday night is a dreary idea. 

I'll say it outright here because this blog is my honest voice: I've had plenty of time to do my speech, but I'm too lazy and I've found every excuse not to up till the last moment. I've always been an avid procastinator even in school and it's time to stop this nasty habit. I really can't stand deadlines and I've actually been enjoying army for the fact that there isn't homework to worry about on the weekends- you can really let loose without any long term goal in mind (but rot your mind in the process). I'll try to start work soon. Brain juices flow, please

Family engagement day is after all my first undertaken (or forced on, actually) task as OIC of my company and yes it feels extremely pressurizing because I can't help but feel that it's a test of whether my commanders have made the right choice in choosing to put me in charge. And because of my Taiwan holiday I am hopelessly lost in the hybrid AI (that's like a proposal plan) done up by me and heavily edited by kaijie. And to top things off OC's instructions whilst I was absent seem to contradict those he gave before I left. It's hard to work like this, really, ESPECIALLY SINCE HES ON HIS HONEYMOON NOW. I don't think Staff will be able to help much, either, so I'll just work with whatever kaijie has and hope I sync with that soon. And please let me have the wisdom to solve complications on the go because yes, I KNOW THEY WILL COME ON FRIDAY. 

I really want to continue writing in this blog as army life restarts, but even before it starts I know it's gonna be difficult. There's gonna be time at night that feels too precious to be used to blog, but all the more I think I need to write to express myself (I'm finding this exercise quite healthy indeed). Plus living with 17 other guys isn't easy- there's hardly any moment of privacy or serenity except when everyone's asleep to think through, sit on the bed and just let the words flow like I am doing now. And sleep is a precious commodity in the army so I hope it won't be a routine having to sacrifice it to write. 

Similarly, I have concurring worries for my little belle jar project. The army life is a harrowing scheduled, routine bore of the same few things cycling around and around and I can't imagine thinking of new things to be happy about everyday when everything down to the food we eat is a dead routine. I can't be happy about a good run every week or a good free office day- there's hardly anything fresh or new to do in camp and although I know my belle jar is for my own eyes I can't stand having to write the same thing- I refuse to feed off from the same source of joy repeatedly until well, it doesn't really become that joy inducting anymore. I think I need to dig deep, plan personal growth projects via little actions and be happy with helping and growing in camp, little by little daily. Hopefully my belle jar won't cease to grow, too. 

IPPT is coming. Oh I hate the lame fitness pressures of the army life. Although yes, I do appreciate the pressure that comes and helps to keep me fit but I know I will fail- I don't exercise when I'm home due to sheer laziness and I'm hardly motivated to do a jog every month, even, if left to my own devices. I just hope the pressure doesn't come on our first IPPT of the year and I'll have time (and the motivation) to work on my fitness in camp from now. 

Being away from home 5 days a week have kinda made me forget the underlying problems between my parents that have existed for years and years but being home this last month has made things very clear- nothing is solved. Not even since I lost my temper with my dad and scolded him rather rudely (albeit via whatsapp) about how he should man up as the head of this house and suck all that shit up, stop shirking responsibilities. I'm disappointed, and it's a lost cause trying to hide that especially when a pitiful face is pulled. Sorry for being slightly playing on gender roles here, but a man of the house cannot expect to demand sympathy. I always envision myself to be a dad that stands strong, and even though I'm hardly there myself I despise my father for not being my ideal pillar of strength, though that's a bit unfair. Still doesn't hide the underlying problems, though. So take up the responsibility, please. I know us kids would love to see that. 

Scholarships oh sigh. I really need one. For the sake of my law education and to lighten my parents' financial load on me. I should be responsible in this field, and it's making me hate myself everytime I take things for granted and shrug it off again. My parents still have two sisters to worry about and that means two more open mouths to throw uni cash into, and I seriously need to think for them. Now the windows are open, and I'll have to ride on the enthusiastic wave of someone else to go apply and write all my essays, so please please please buck up Dylan. Or pray hard that I'll get the SMU one at least (that'll be enough). Also I have thought about- yes, only thought- borrowing law books because it's necessary- not good to have, NECESSARY to read ahead. It's a challenge I know like none other I've faced and also yes I need to buck up on this area. At least do the best I can so I can choose my fields to specialize in and in future support my family well. 

 

The very last worry would concerned is my apparent lack of the close companionship of one or two that I so dearly yearn, and that deserves a post all on its own because it's been a big theme and fear of my life so far. I'll save that for a time in the army bunk, perhaps. 

And of cause, tinier worries: please let me sail to Taiwan, not fly. Or at least let me go with my best friends. And (in a tinier voice) I miss her. My random flashbacks are getting more and more frequent and vivid, and it probably doesn't help that I took a trip to the esplanade today and noticed that exact same couch we sat and played and giggled on together, months ago. You were extremely bubbly and pretended to be YoonA on an ad while I took photos of you (I still have those photos sigh) and we had to cut our kissing every time someone walked past (which happened rather often). That was probably the most vivid of all those memories and I have to say they hurt, and I don't exactly want her back, but I do perhaps in the future want to see her again and say hi without feeling a cringe and that sharp jab through the heart, and maybe (is it too much to hope for) a hug? I don't know, I am very confused, I don't hate her anymore but I do miss her and her silly little pervy smiles more and more each day. 

Cohesion

A whole 2 days of Battalion Retreat chalet has passed us by and I would say it's been quite a relaxing time, and everyone is enjoying the extra long break/holiday. Maybe it's me, and chalet was fun, but I found myself mostly... bored. Aimless. It was a beautiful place indeed, but I didn't know what to do most of the time other than lazing around watching tv and snacking on chips. And that's given me plenty of time to observe and think about the dynamics of this group that is to be my next challenge. 

You see, they chose me to lead. Friends tell me it's a great honor, parents acclaim it as recognition of my potential, but personally I don't feel quite ready or even able to lead in such a big capacity. Yes, admittedly, I like to lead sometimes, but I usually don't prefer to be the man in the spotlight because when all eyes are on you, everything you do must be extra correct and precise, and that to me is a big restriction on the way I live. I realize I have to forcefully change my ways in front of commanders, raise my voice sometimes- ultimately pushing me out of my comfort zone (which perhaps is that bad an idea). But you see, they chose me for my proficiency, in my opinion. And yes, with training, I could easily have the grasp of our core skills required to train others or to be a go-to person for these skills. I do not know why, but they come naturally to me, although I must say I put in a fair bit of effort myself. I believe what they saw in me was the picture of me as the marshal in our crane rigging operations, because from the marshal's viewpoint I could see what was going on at all four corners, and I revised to make myself sure of the steps. My teammates were weary and cluttered with the stress of time so they were easy for me to lead, to guide, to correct, because I could see what they were doing wrong instantly. Perhaps that's what the commanders saw of me, performing in an area that I knew I was pretty good in. 

But being the Overall IC of the company is a different ball game- it's about people and organizational skills, being able to conduct myself and speak well as the spokesperson for the company, being inventive and responsible to live up to the great expectations left behind by my rather competent predecessor. It's a new challenge and a new stress, and I'm struggling to figure out how to play this out. Through the chalet it is obvious the commanders thought of us as unbonded, segmented, ununited. Perhaps it's because of this attention that the dynamics of the group now is quite weird, really- we do have a divide between bunks that is visible to anyone who notices carefully, but I believe there aren't many grudges underlying it, and it would be resolved in its own time. Artificially pushing the process through might create some awkwardness and thwart that natural process from occurring smoothly. I also have to deal with finding out how to lead and earn the respect of my peers- they're slow to obey, and sometimes it does get on my nerves. But on days like today I took to cleaning the mess up myself (with the help of a few more helpful friends) in the hope that perhaps they'll notice I'm more of a servant leader kind of person, thus earning a new form of respect for me. 

Speaking of servant leadership, I do buy into having a charismatic figurehead leader in any group, but I don't think I'm for for that role. I like to help, I can do it behind the scenes like I did during my term in VJ CT Council, and I enjoyed that very much. But since this opportunity has arrived for me (and I'm already cast into the fray) I might as well see what I can do with my fullest potential. And develop myself. And I also believe my group will bond together so just give it some time and leave it alone commanders. 

Aftermath

To begin, 

I broke up with my girlfriend (of fifteen months) a few months back. 

And this is how it went (abridged): 

It hurt, it stung, it was disappointing, it was confusing, it was a potent cocktail of bewilderment and disbelief and anger. It gave me insomnia, it gave me nightmares and nostalgia, it gave me moments where I felt down and I couldn't talk to anyone at all. It was painful. 

And then it started stirring. It made me scrutinize her words, it made me hate how she lives so well without me, it made me jealous. It gave me wild thoughts and dramatic scenarios (in my head), it boiled and it brewed and it threatened to erupt. It made me decide to hate her if you got together with someone else. It made me feel lost and alone and completely stripped bare, it made me lose confidence or hope in myself or anything. It made me want to hate her. 

But slowly it mellowed. It made me think, it told me to recover (albeit slowly), it told me it could be a blessing in disguise. It made me rediscover the relationship, treasure the moments worth cherishing, reevaluate the moments that made it break. It made me rediscover her, and rediscover me. It told me to forgive. And it told me this was love. 

----------------------

So months on and after many sleepless nights of thinking about her and about us, I'm finally able to get a good night's sleep (occasionally) and I think (I'm really trying) I can forgive her, and forgive everyone. The brilliant takeaways I can safely keep from this relationship (I won't call it a failed one) are quite valuable to me, I must say. What I'm really glad for is: 

1. We didn't mess it up that bad, considering we're related and it would've been so ugly, 

2. She's perhaps willing to speak with me again, so many soon I'll have a chance to apologize to her for my childish antics and we can still be friends? (Warm thoughts) 

3. It took me some time, but I know the resistance was definitely love- for her and for us- and I agree now that the break up was a good choice. 

4. I've learnt a little about who I want to be with in future, although you can never be sure and I've yet to find one girl that fits in all the criteria 

5. I'm starting to be able to look back at the relationship and smile, because we shared some really lovely and amazing experiences, and I was probably at the happiness peak of my life. 

To elaborate a bit: in retrospect, even, I feel extremely glad to have had a love so beautiful and ethereal, it's almost surreal being in that position. Although I don't know how much a factor I was for her eventual transformation from a really spoilt (I apologize if you ever read this) nasty self absorbed disrespectful princess of a girl, into the quite enthralling girl now that lives and lets love speak, letting joy seep into her soul from any source, loves life and loves the people around her withholding nothing. And the part that truly was beautiful like a wisp of light (I have no idea how to describe the imagery in my head) was how I had a front row seat to watch her change and learn little by little how to love people and the things around her. And all I ever did was to love her, too (that part was easy) so no regrets, ever, being able to see that happening in her life. I still maintain it's the most beautiful thing I've ever felt in my life. And it's very fulfilling to be the one in love and being loved there. 

Well, right now something is happening that I can't quite write here for fear of it blowing out of proportions, and I might write about it later when it's solved and forgiveness is released, but basically I've caused major war in other peoples' lives and I'm forbidden to get myself into the picture and fix it by speaking to those involved. That part really sucks, because I'm really angry with some people for not getting their facts right and I'm ready to let fly what I feel. Since now I can't do that (I made a promise), so I'll take the soft approach, and I think perhaps I need to actively patch back piece by piece of firstly my heart, and the broken line of communication between this girl and I. I'm thinking perhaps if we get back to talking terms and show others we're perfectly fine with each other, no hate no prejudice and no grudges involved, perhaps people will start forgiving, too, and follow our example. I am going to start but I need time and I hope she won't outright reject me. And I suck at small talk. But regardless, here goes.