I'm extremely brain tired lying in bed after what's probably the most hectic and challenging week of my life planning for family engagement- and it's finally happening tomorrow. Crash and burn or rise from the ashes- it's going to end, and I will probably sleep my weekend away.
Despite everything I'm happy about, in this environment and all, I still feel troubled. Troubled with the smaller things like the little cuts that you tend to feel the most. Having this OIC role for about a week in real working days has already been a huge huge challenge- especially for me to have to break out of my comfort zone and reach out to touch and convince people to love me and love my ideas. I'm never one for that kind of active quest but it seems to be a must right now, having the pressure of gelling the group together and all. I have the PTICs problems to worry about as well as the bonding of the group, and I can quite assuredly say these 1.5 years in STC will be very very demanding but also quite satisfying and useful for me in my life, if I put the right effort I to it. I'll worry about everything next week because right now I just want to focus on my family event tomorrow, and make sure it ticks.
I have an urge to find a buddy close enough to share everyday petty troubling thoughts with, but I just haven't come across one. It's also the reason why I really loved and was afraid of losing my girlfriend, because she was that one special companion I could tell anything to, and lean on her strength at times for support. The real seller for me is how she belongs exclusively to me, and that I can call on her and she on me at any time at any place. That's why I'm always that possessive and I show so much love, because I know I don't want to let someone like that go.
But right now I'm doing quite fine, I do want someone to talk to but yet I don't feel the need quite so pressing. Maybe in really getting stronger and depending on myself a lot more as I spend my time more or less alone these days. I also am glad to notice some sense of discernment and logic in the way I think before I blindly pursue what I think I need- and this time I depend on myself. It's good, but still not good enough, and I've gotta do something about my people problem.
The friends here are great, there is a new brand of humor, but not quite yet that self sacrificial help-each-other cohesive bond quite yet. The reason for the pressure to hit that level of bonding is due to our ever overachieving seniors- who've really set the bar going beyond what normal people do, smashing boundaries on a daily level. They're really there to take over another's duty at a moment's notice with the common understanding that they're all working for a common goal and purpose, and that in itself is the most admirable and hardest thing to achieve in group dynamics. I really envy, but yet I am glad I have in Joel a senior who's willing to impart- and shows great concern in how we grow as well.
I'm rambling on and on unorganized because -apologies- of my extremely cluttered brain so maybe again, this weekend when I find the time to rest (and train for IPPT)
And yeah, I'd like to go somewhere this weekend again but GUARD DUTY :/
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