I'll say it outright here because this blog is my honest voice: I've had plenty of time to do my speech, but I'm too lazy and I've found every excuse not to up till the last moment. I've always been an avid procastinator even in school and it's time to stop this nasty habit. I really can't stand deadlines and I've actually been enjoying army for the fact that there isn't homework to worry about on the weekends- you can really let loose without any long term goal in mind (but rot your mind in the process). I'll try to start work soon. Brain juices flow, please
Family engagement day is after all my first undertaken (or forced on, actually) task as OIC of my company and yes it feels extremely pressurizing because I can't help but feel that it's a test of whether my commanders have made the right choice in choosing to put me in charge. And because of my Taiwan holiday I am hopelessly lost in the hybrid AI (that's like a proposal plan) done up by me and heavily edited by kaijie. And to top things off OC's instructions whilst I was absent seem to contradict those he gave before I left. It's hard to work like this, really, ESPECIALLY SINCE HES ON HIS HONEYMOON NOW. I don't think Staff will be able to help much, either, so I'll just work with whatever kaijie has and hope I sync with that soon. And please let me have the wisdom to solve complications on the go because yes, I KNOW THEY WILL COME ON FRIDAY.
I really want to continue writing in this blog as army life restarts, but even before it starts I know it's gonna be difficult. There's gonna be time at night that feels too precious to be used to blog, but all the more I think I need to write to express myself (I'm finding this exercise quite healthy indeed). Plus living with 17 other guys isn't easy- there's hardly any moment of privacy or serenity except when everyone's asleep to think through, sit on the bed and just let the words flow like I am doing now. And sleep is a precious commodity in the army so I hope it won't be a routine having to sacrifice it to write.
Similarly, I have concurring worries for my little belle jar project. The army life is a harrowing scheduled, routine bore of the same few things cycling around and around and I can't imagine thinking of new things to be happy about everyday when everything down to the food we eat is a dead routine. I can't be happy about a good run every week or a good free office day- there's hardly anything fresh or new to do in camp and although I know my belle jar is for my own eyes I can't stand having to write the same thing- I refuse to feed off from the same source of joy repeatedly until well, it doesn't really become that joy inducting anymore. I think I need to dig deep, plan personal growth projects via little actions and be happy with helping and growing in camp, little by little daily. Hopefully my belle jar won't cease to grow, too.
IPPT is coming. Oh I hate the lame fitness pressures of the army life. Although yes, I do appreciate the pressure that comes and helps to keep me fit but I know I will fail- I don't exercise when I'm home due to sheer laziness and I'm hardly motivated to do a jog every month, even, if left to my own devices. I just hope the pressure doesn't come on our first IPPT of the year and I'll have time (and the motivation) to work on my fitness in camp from now.
Being away from home 5 days a week have kinda made me forget the underlying problems between my parents that have existed for years and years but being home this last month has made things very clear- nothing is solved. Not even since I lost my temper with my dad and scolded him rather rudely (albeit via whatsapp) about how he should man up as the head of this house and suck all that shit up, stop shirking responsibilities. I'm disappointed, and it's a lost cause trying to hide that especially when a pitiful face is pulled. Sorry for being slightly playing on gender roles here, but a man of the house cannot expect to demand sympathy. I always envision myself to be a dad that stands strong, and even though I'm hardly there myself I despise my father for not being my ideal pillar of strength, though that's a bit unfair. Still doesn't hide the underlying problems, though. So take up the responsibility, please. I know us kids would love to see that.
Scholarships oh sigh. I really need one. For the sake of my law education and to lighten my parents' financial load on me. I should be responsible in this field, and it's making me hate myself everytime I take things for granted and shrug it off again. My parents still have two sisters to worry about and that means two more open mouths to throw uni cash into, and I seriously need to think for them. Now the windows are open, and I'll have to ride on the enthusiastic wave of someone else to go apply and write all my essays, so please please please buck up Dylan. Or pray hard that I'll get the SMU one at least (that'll be enough). Also I have thought about- yes, only thought- borrowing law books because it's necessary- not good to have, NECESSARY to read ahead. It's a challenge I know like none other I've faced and also yes I need to buck up on this area. At least do the best I can so I can choose my fields to specialize in and in future support my family well.
The very last worry would concerned is my apparent lack of the close companionship of one or two that I so dearly yearn, and that deserves a post all on its own because it's been a big theme and fear of my life so far. I'll save that for a time in the army bunk, perhaps.
And of cause, tinier worries: please let me sail to Taiwan, not fly. Or at least let me go with my best friends. And (in a tinier voice) I miss her. My random flashbacks are getting more and more frequent and vivid, and it probably doesn't help that I took a trip to the esplanade today and noticed that exact same couch we sat and played and giggled on together, months ago. You were extremely bubbly and pretended to be YoonA on an ad while I took photos of you (I still have those photos sigh) and we had to cut our kissing every time someone walked past (which happened rather often). That was probably the most vivid of all those memories and I have to say they hurt, and I don't exactly want her back, but I do perhaps in the future want to see her again and say hi without feeling a cringe and that sharp jab through the heart, and maybe (is it too much to hope for) a hug? I don't know, I am very confused, I don't hate her anymore but I do miss her and her silly little pervy smiles more and more each day.
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