Cohesion

A whole 2 days of Battalion Retreat chalet has passed us by and I would say it's been quite a relaxing time, and everyone is enjoying the extra long break/holiday. Maybe it's me, and chalet was fun, but I found myself mostly... bored. Aimless. It was a beautiful place indeed, but I didn't know what to do most of the time other than lazing around watching tv and snacking on chips. And that's given me plenty of time to observe and think about the dynamics of this group that is to be my next challenge. 

You see, they chose me to lead. Friends tell me it's a great honor, parents acclaim it as recognition of my potential, but personally I don't feel quite ready or even able to lead in such a big capacity. Yes, admittedly, I like to lead sometimes, but I usually don't prefer to be the man in the spotlight because when all eyes are on you, everything you do must be extra correct and precise, and that to me is a big restriction on the way I live. I realize I have to forcefully change my ways in front of commanders, raise my voice sometimes- ultimately pushing me out of my comfort zone (which perhaps is that bad an idea). But you see, they chose me for my proficiency, in my opinion. And yes, with training, I could easily have the grasp of our core skills required to train others or to be a go-to person for these skills. I do not know why, but they come naturally to me, although I must say I put in a fair bit of effort myself. I believe what they saw in me was the picture of me as the marshal in our crane rigging operations, because from the marshal's viewpoint I could see what was going on at all four corners, and I revised to make myself sure of the steps. My teammates were weary and cluttered with the stress of time so they were easy for me to lead, to guide, to correct, because I could see what they were doing wrong instantly. Perhaps that's what the commanders saw of me, performing in an area that I knew I was pretty good in. 

But being the Overall IC of the company is a different ball game- it's about people and organizational skills, being able to conduct myself and speak well as the spokesperson for the company, being inventive and responsible to live up to the great expectations left behind by my rather competent predecessor. It's a new challenge and a new stress, and I'm struggling to figure out how to play this out. Through the chalet it is obvious the commanders thought of us as unbonded, segmented, ununited. Perhaps it's because of this attention that the dynamics of the group now is quite weird, really- we do have a divide between bunks that is visible to anyone who notices carefully, but I believe there aren't many grudges underlying it, and it would be resolved in its own time. Artificially pushing the process through might create some awkwardness and thwart that natural process from occurring smoothly. I also have to deal with finding out how to lead and earn the respect of my peers- they're slow to obey, and sometimes it does get on my nerves. But on days like today I took to cleaning the mess up myself (with the help of a few more helpful friends) in the hope that perhaps they'll notice I'm more of a servant leader kind of person, thus earning a new form of respect for me. 

Speaking of servant leadership, I do buy into having a charismatic figurehead leader in any group, but I don't think I'm for for that role. I like to help, I can do it behind the scenes like I did during my term in VJ CT Council, and I enjoyed that very much. But since this opportunity has arrived for me (and I'm already cast into the fray) I might as well see what I can do with my fullest potential. And develop myself. And I also believe my group will bond together so just give it some time and leave it alone commanders.