Aftermath

To begin, 

I broke up with my girlfriend (of fifteen months) a few months back. 

And this is how it went (abridged): 

It hurt, it stung, it was disappointing, it was confusing, it was a potent cocktail of bewilderment and disbelief and anger. It gave me insomnia, it gave me nightmares and nostalgia, it gave me moments where I felt down and I couldn't talk to anyone at all. It was painful. 

And then it started stirring. It made me scrutinize her words, it made me hate how she lives so well without me, it made me jealous. It gave me wild thoughts and dramatic scenarios (in my head), it boiled and it brewed and it threatened to erupt. It made me decide to hate her if you got together with someone else. It made me feel lost and alone and completely stripped bare, it made me lose confidence or hope in myself or anything. It made me want to hate her. 

But slowly it mellowed. It made me think, it told me to recover (albeit slowly), it told me it could be a blessing in disguise. It made me rediscover the relationship, treasure the moments worth cherishing, reevaluate the moments that made it break. It made me rediscover her, and rediscover me. It told me to forgive. And it told me this was love. 

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So months on and after many sleepless nights of thinking about her and about us, I'm finally able to get a good night's sleep (occasionally) and I think (I'm really trying) I can forgive her, and forgive everyone. The brilliant takeaways I can safely keep from this relationship (I won't call it a failed one) are quite valuable to me, I must say. What I'm really glad for is: 

1. We didn't mess it up that bad, considering we're related and it would've been so ugly, 

2. She's perhaps willing to speak with me again, so many soon I'll have a chance to apologize to her for my childish antics and we can still be friends? (Warm thoughts) 

3. It took me some time, but I know the resistance was definitely love- for her and for us- and I agree now that the break up was a good choice. 

4. I've learnt a little about who I want to be with in future, although you can never be sure and I've yet to find one girl that fits in all the criteria 

5. I'm starting to be able to look back at the relationship and smile, because we shared some really lovely and amazing experiences, and I was probably at the happiness peak of my life. 

To elaborate a bit: in retrospect, even, I feel extremely glad to have had a love so beautiful and ethereal, it's almost surreal being in that position. Although I don't know how much a factor I was for her eventual transformation from a really spoilt (I apologize if you ever read this) nasty self absorbed disrespectful princess of a girl, into the quite enthralling girl now that lives and lets love speak, letting joy seep into her soul from any source, loves life and loves the people around her withholding nothing. And the part that truly was beautiful like a wisp of light (I have no idea how to describe the imagery in my head) was how I had a front row seat to watch her change and learn little by little how to love people and the things around her. And all I ever did was to love her, too (that part was easy) so no regrets, ever, being able to see that happening in her life. I still maintain it's the most beautiful thing I've ever felt in my life. And it's very fulfilling to be the one in love and being loved there. 

Well, right now something is happening that I can't quite write here for fear of it blowing out of proportions, and I might write about it later when it's solved and forgiveness is released, but basically I've caused major war in other peoples' lives and I'm forbidden to get myself into the picture and fix it by speaking to those involved. That part really sucks, because I'm really angry with some people for not getting their facts right and I'm ready to let fly what I feel. Since now I can't do that (I made a promise), so I'll take the soft approach, and I think perhaps I need to actively patch back piece by piece of firstly my heart, and the broken line of communication between this girl and I. I'm thinking perhaps if we get back to talking terms and show others we're perfectly fine with each other, no hate no prejudice and no grudges involved, perhaps people will start forgiving, too, and follow our example. I am going to start but I need time and I hope she won't outright reject me. And I suck at small talk. But regardless, here goes.